Hello you,
On the 28th of September I’m going to turn forty.
It’s freaking me out.
I’ve never been thrown by birthdays before. Maybe a little ‘will anyone come to my party?’ anxiety, but that was about it. Always been too busy celebrating to worry about getting older. But let me tell you, this birthday that four-zero is staring me down.
Because aren’t I meant to be a grown up by now? Shouldn’t I have a briefcase and a proper job? Shouldn’t I be successful, even if the edges of what that really means get mirage-wavy when I try to look directly at it?
So my cruelest inner critics whisper, at least, conveniently ignoring that less than six months ago I moved cities, left a marriage, bought a house, created a new home with my girlfriend, became a step mum, and reshaped my business. Conveniently ignoring that I’ve never felt more creative or excited about my life and what’s growing in it.
Turns out that I’m still shedding the too-tight skin of giving a fuck about the shoulds.
I had hoped that I could slither free in one fell swoop but after so many years constrained by those stories, it’s a slow process. It takes time and patience to unlearn the habits of comparison and asking permission and being scared to take up space.
As a remedy to my birthday freak out, I’ve been seeking out dangerous women. Women unafraid of standing in their own darkness and power. Role models to hang on my altar.
Nina Simone, Marina Abramović, Patti Smith. Witches and artists and radicals who didn’t just thrive in their youth but continue/d to deepen into their magic as they matured.
I’m so hungry for stories of these wildlings. Folks unconstrained and unflinching. I want to surround myself with them. Be inspired by them. Bolster my entry into my forties with their shameless examples.
My other remedy is walking the talk. Shedding the last vestiges of the actions dictated by those shoulds and intentionally doing things that feed the expansive feeling of magic and creativity in my life.
So I’m moving towards forty by stepping into new creative projects (more about one of those below). I’m riding the discomfort and backing myself as I make big, scary plans. And I’m leaning deep into my breathwork practice to connect, over and over again, with that untamed version of myself.
In the meantime, I’d love to hear if you’ve got any wildling pinups I can add to my collection. Drop me a comment with the elders you turn to for inspiration?
ps - If you’re in your own process of shedding skins and you want six months of support in your transformation, you should check out my newly reimagined one-to-one programme, The Intensive.
It’s breathwork, rest, magick making, and mentoring for deeper creativity, connection to intuition, clarity, and capacity to stand in your own power.
Sunday Supplement
A couple of weeks ago my girlfriend casually mentioned the Alphabet Superset challenge that the Australian youtuber Struthless was running. I’d never encountered him before but I was immediately inspired and wanted to jump onboard.
The idea is to make something every week for 26 weeks, around 26 topics of your choice, each starting with a different letter of the alphabet. Essentially creating a body of work that’s an A-Z of that particular topic.
After some pondering I solidified on creating the A-Z of Breathwork, but from a very personal perspective of my own practice and experience. And starting this Sunday I’m going to be sending it to you as a digital zine, kinda like a Sunday supplement. I can’t wait to get started with ‘A is for Altered State’
love this post....I just had my birthday so it really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing and for your list of wild, bad ass ladies. Steve Nicks is one of my pinups :)